Sunday, February 2, 2014

Vulnerability and True Love... thoughts from my journal


Either I like to torture myself - or - I am so confident in who I am that revealing a vulnerable side will only add to my awesome character.

Or... I enjoy laughing at myself. 


I'm sorry, but it's true. Whenever I'm moping/depressed/overly-serious, I just access my many, many memories of Stupid Stuff I've Done and then try to control the bubbling hysterical amusement.

I don't recommend bursting into tears when offered a job*... in front of the hiring staff.  *shrug*  At least I haven't admitted it to anyone who really cares. (In this case, you don't count. My uncomfortable vulnerability will not affect your future. In a bad way, at least. I might inspire you to be "real", too, and then you'll find the love of your life and live happily ever after. You are so welcome.)

I have had a brilliant idea.


I'm going to share my story as I made notes in my journal**. Today is February 2nd, right? 16 years ago on this day someone was brave enough to call the phone number I'd written down on a scrap of paper.

To be completely honest, I had planned on telling this guy "no" if he ever called me for a date. We didn't hang out in circles that intersected and this concerned me. Lol. In my mind, the ideal situation would involve running into someone in a group setting and getting to know them over time.

He called at 3:15, fifteen minutes before I got off work. Rather than ask me out on a date, he asked if I'd like to get together and read some of Acts (Bible) that night. It caught me off guard and startled a "Yes!" out of me. We met at the Lloyd Center mall at 5:00pm and he took me to a restaurant in the nearby Rose Quarter.

That night I wrote:
"I had a good time with J. He asked if I was nervous - and I am in a BIG way. I loved talking about God and we shared a little bit of testimony stuff... but it's just a big thing to date someone you don't know! I haven't thought much of being rejected. I would hate to reject him, but the thought of not rejecting... I mean, saying 'yes' terrifies me completely. I'm so nervous."
When he dropped me off at my car, I thanked him, "It's been awesome". His reply? "You're awesome."

It's a little hard to find the picture that explains how The Beginning felt for me. Not love, not enthusiasm, more like... tentative wow, like "I want to see you again", like "you are so interesting", and like "I only have butterflies for a stomach."

* Yes, I cried. Sheesh. I cry a lot in public. Nothing new there.

If you chose B) Plan a party for 400 people on the wrong date? You're right and HOW DID YOU KNOW?!  I mean, essentially I did not schedule the party on the wrong date, but I was the dingaling who looked over the contract so thoroughly I missed the bolded date at the top. And why was it bolded? 'Cause someone knew there was a chance we were planning on different dates, but didn't want to bring it up. Hence, I discovered it the morning of the party and had to inform 400 people: "Don't come today! The party's tomorrow!"  


It gets better. Oh, yes, I'm familiar with Vulnerability in all its glory!!

I'll let you choose again, 'cause I enjoy putting you on the spot:

A)  Did 58% of the attendees come down with the Noro Virus?
B)  Did only 27% of the attendees actually show up?
C)  Did I have to wear a silly elf hat on stage?

I'll make it easy this time... Two of those are correct. Lol. So you have 66% chance of guessing correctly.

** You do have a Journal, don't you?  Not a Daily Journal especially not a What I Did Today Journal, but a venting, emotional volcano journal***. Somewhere you can go and vomit all the emotions that build up and WILL SPILL OUT ON SOMEONE SOMEWHERE if they're not released.

You wanna puke that stuff on someone who loves you? Don't get me wrong... I share my in-most thoughts and feelings with my love, but he doesn't need all the chunks.  (Lol. Too visual? I'm grossing myself out.)  I spill privately, passionately, unreservedly first... sort through the mess and find the precious gems of What's Real and share the "best of" those.

Worst case scenario, you learn how to write emotionally. Best case scenario, you learn how to write emotionally AND you retain close friendships.  :-D  Maybe your emotions don't burn others alive. Maybe you need to set them free a little more.

*** I do take Journals as gifts since I go through them quite rapidly even though I write as small as Juliette****. Just let me know if you want my mailing address. I'll be needing a new Journal soon. :-)  Thx!

Unravel Me (Shatter Me, #2)

****  Reading Unravel Me. OMG I love it!!! I want to quote every. single. line.